Tareq was born and brought up in Sydney. Since childhood, he felt a lack of self-confidence, low self-esteem and reluctance about expressing his opinion. He rarely revealed his thoughts to his family to avoid confrontation. A shy and quiet child, Tareq would spend his time playing alone.
Childhood
From a tender age, his relationship with his father was formal.
“Like an officer and a soldier, a manager and an employee, a teacher and a student,” says Tareq.
There was no open channel for communication between the two parties.
At the age of six or seven, Tareq had to go to work with his father to be a bystander. But when he was 12 years old, he would go to regular school during the week, and to Arabic and religious school on the weekends. Also, he started to work with his father after school and on Saturdays to sell second-hand items at Sydney's open markets.
"I did not have the freedom to choose what I wanted to do with my day. Whenever I went out with him, I felt a burning heart. I was just a kid who wanted to play. Sunday was the only day when I could go for some sports activities,” Tareq recalls.
That burning sensation in his heart, which came from the inability to disclose his feelings, grew along with him year after year.
"My father would bring electrical appliances and second-hand items home, and I would help him load them onto trucks and sell them in the market. I was sad not because of the nature of the work, but because I had no choice to enjoy the calm, comforting fun of my childhood.
Of course, I could not tell him how I was feeling. Or, about any problems that I was facing outside home, or any other anxiety. We grew up hearing from our parents how hard they have worked in their lives for us, and that any problems or challenges we face now are incomparable with what they have lived with,” adds Tareq.
Tareq Ahmed as a child. Source: Tareq Ahmed
Teenage years
Teenage years brought him even greater stress and challenges.
This period is considered a crucial period in a child’s life. A lot of emotional and moral support are needed to aid with accepting physical and mental changes, as well as shaping one’s image in society.
"My mom told me that this stage of my life would be a little difficult. But my father never told me anything about it. He would only remind me that I had to excel in school to be able to go to university,” Tareq recollects.
For him, finishing high school was like climbing three mountains every day: family expectations, bullying at school and frustrating advice from his extended family members to leave school and find a job to make money instead.
At this time, Tareq thought he “looked terrible, fat, and had a very low self-esteem”. He had come to believe that whatever he may do, he won’t achieve anything in life.
"During this period, I wished I could cease to exist,” he recalls.
Youth
After he finished high school, he decided to enter university because not doing so, would disappoint his father.
Tareq chose to study economics. After a year at Western Sydney University, popular amongst Arab-Australian students, he moved to the University of Sydney.
"I could not make friends at the new university. Most students were from non-Arab backgrounds and their activities were very different from what I believed in doing. They would go to pubs and bars after lectures and I went home.
I had a choice to make new friends, but I could not then, and that affected me a lot. I was feeling isolated. I hated what I was studying and didn't know what to do after graduation,” says Tareq.
No one knew about the rollercoaster of emotions that Tareq was riding. Disclosure of his internal conflict was not an option. He didn't feel he had someone who could listen or understand him.
After completing his university studies, he found a job in a foreign currency exchange. Like everything else, he did not enjoy it. The one activity he did like was going to the gym.
Tareq Ahmed Source: Tareq Ahmed
"I started distancing myself from family and friends, except one," says Tareq.
During this period, he began to feel a strange pain in his body, and with it, hours and hours of wakefulness and anxiety.
"I could not sleep anymore. Severe pain in my stomach and chest kept me sleepless. I would go to work exhausted, trying to hide my emotional and physical pain at the same time.
I would count minutes to go home and then lock myself up. Hiding my feelings and pretending I was fine in front of everyone was very tiring,” he recollects.
As time passed, Tareq's pain became “unbearable”.
He decided to go to a GP to know the cause.
"I got some tests done and they were good. I went to other specialists, who did a colonoscopy, but couldn't find any internal causes of pain,” he adds.
His behaviour became a worry for the family and his parents now decided to talk to him to find a solution.
‘They thought I was possessed’
"They told me, ‘maybe the sheikh can help you, and the ruqyah may be able to get rid of your pain’,” says Tareq.
Ruqyah in Islam is the recitation of the Quran to seek refuge in Allah -- remembrance and supplications that are used as a means of treating sicknesses and other problems. This can be done to cure the effects of the so-called evil eye, possession, envy and magic.
Tareq was prepared to do anything that could help him get rid of his pain.
"I did not believe that I was possessed. But I went to the sheikh, maybe for five or six sessions to seek help or remedy. The more I went to him, the worse I felt. He could not make me feel any better. In the end he told me, ‘take this honey and some spices, read the Quran and you will feel better.
I did not get any better. I subconsciously started moving away from religion, places of worship and from people. No one was able to help me,” he recalls.
Tareq then sought refuge in the gym.
There, he began to think, with whom could he talk about his condition and to whom could he complain about his pain? A friend's name came to mind. He worked in the field of mental health and helped others. So, Tareq decided to meet him.
“I told him about my mental and physical pain, and how I decided to stay away from my family and friends. He asked me to write on paper how I viewed myself.
My friend then asked me to read what I had written. When I started reading it, I couldn't stop crying. I was shocked at the extent of my self-hatred.
"What I thought of myself before seeking mental health support" - Tareq Ahmed Source: Tareq Ahmed
He advised me to see a psychologist. He recommended one very far from my place. I decided to go because I had no choice,” he recalls.
‘Suicidal thoughts’
This was the first time Tareq thought of visiting a psychologist. The social stigma attached to admitting to mental illness made him avoid thinking of it.
"I opened my heart with very old wounds from my childhood. I told him about many things that bothered me that I could not tell anyone before.
I could not believe that there was someone listening to me without mocking at my feelings, judging me and telling me that what I felt was of little importance and incomparable to the challenges others went through,” he says.
After a few sessions with the psychologist, Tareq began to have suicidal thoughts.
Not because he was a weak person, or because his faith was weak – as some may think. The causes of mental illness differ from one person to another.
"I thought about ending my life to put an end to my pain. I had reached an advanced stage of suffering from severe depression and anxiety. I decided to tell my psychologist about these thoughts before I did anything to myself,” he adds.
The psychologist decided to put Tareq on antidepressants. The idea worried him at first, but he decided to take it, hoping it might help.
His family was unaware of what he was going through.
After weeks of taking medication and sessions with his psychologist, he began to feel the difference in the quality of his life.
My Arab Identity podcast with provisional psychologist Tareq Ahmed Source: Tareq Ahmed
This is when Tareq decided to tell his family about his treatment and how his condition changed after two years.
"I began to feel joy and felt the desire to mix with people and work. Many feelings that I had not felt for years came back to me,” he recalls joyously.
Tareq even began studying psychology to understand mental illnesses and help others understand them and the importance of seeking help.
Also, he was able to confront some people, who had caused him all this pressure at different stages in life.
"After two years of treatment, I decided to sit with my father. I told him about everything he had done since childhood that hurt me and put a lot of pressure on me and on my life.”
“My father was shocked and asked me, ‘do you still remember all of this until now?’
I said ‘yes’.
He asked, ‘do you want me to apologise?’
I said ‘yes’.
He said, ‘I'm sorry’.
“Just then, I felt a relief in my heart, that I was finally able to say what had I wanted to tell him for 22 years.
His reaction was very nice. We cried and hugged each other. My relationship with my father became very beautiful, and today, I am closer to him than ever before.”
Readers seeking information and support regarding mental health and suicide prevention can contact Lifeline at 13 11 14, Suicide Call Back Service at 1300 659 467, or Kids Helpline at 1800 55 1800 until age 25 or call Beyond Blue's hotline at: 1300 22 4636. Also, support is available for people experiencing violence and abuse. For phone counselling, call 1800 737 732.
Tareq Ahmed is a provisional psychologist and an accredited Standard Mental Health First Aid instructor with Mental Health First Aid (MHFA) Australia. His experience and qualifications include a bachelor’s degree in psychology and a master’s in psychology. His own experiences with mental health allow him to bring unique energy in the delivery of the MHFA courses. He is also passionate about sharing his story and assisting others in the hope of de-stigmatising the taboo of mental health, especially amongst ethnic males.
