Key Points
- Certain phrases used in the Arab world reflect a culture in which marriage for women is a goal in itself.
- Arab women may be compelled by societal pressures to choose marriage before the age of 40 at the expense of their self-satisfaction.
- This episode presents testimonies from women of different ages and offers a psychological and sociological insight with Dr Samir Ibrahim and author Fadi Zagmut.
SBS Arabic24 spoke to a variety of women who said they had been made to feel that they had to marry in order to 'fit in' to their societies.
They say even the Arabic language enshrines the importance of marriage for women with terms such as “Aa’belik" translating as: "When will you be next to marry?"
Marriage, the ultimate aspiration?
Dr Pascal Rizk, 43, says she left Lebanon and headed to Rome 14 years ago to continue her education and obtain a doctorate, and despite all of this self-fulfilment, she still freezes when the topic of marriage is raised.
Dr Pascal Rizk, PhD in linguistics, works at the Vatican in Rome.
The Eastern culture burdens women with social pressure, making them bear sole responsibility for remaining single, according to Dr Rizk.
"(Some society members) hold women responsible, as if all decisions are in their hands. They tell me 'maybe your appearance is not enough, or your personality'.
“(It's) as if self-fulfilment is only linked to the realisation of a marital relationship. I am tired of the question: 'Are you not in a relationship yet?'"
Nadia Mikhail ran a very successful tourism business in Egypt and says she moved to Australia in the search for a more spiritual life.
Nadia Mikhail, the former manager of a successful tourism agency, currently works as a full-time volunteer in a Christian movement.
"I am drained from hearing those words ('Why are you unmarried?'). A woman is not responsible for not getting married,” she said.
“(Women are) productive and financially independent nowadays - why should society the fear that she will a burden if she remains single?"
Ms Mikhail confirms that she has found meaning, refuge, and love in church giving and service, and recalls the story of a past engagement.
"I was about to get married, and I prepared the house, but the marriage didn’t take place. I got engaged four times, but today I see that there was a greater purpose to my life," she said.
Words and phrases exclusively in Arabic
Diana* comes from a Lebanese background and says she too is untangling herself from societal constraints as she celebrates reaching her mid-forties.
I hear these words: 'You are beautiful, educated, and the daughter of a decent family. Why haven't you married yet?' It's as if people are searching for a defect in me.Diana*
Diana says that far from an unmarried woman being somehow 'incomplete', she believes that completion lies within oneself, and not in finding a partner.
'Wounding words'
Dr Rizk says Arabic words and phrases reveal a societal dynamic and cultural conviction when it comes to marriage.
She cited two phrases in support of this which translate as: "Lower your standards a bit” and “Come on, cling on to any husband so you can have a child”.
She claims such phrases portray marriage as not only a love choice but as a goal and the ultimate purpose of a woman's life.
(When) you are in your mid-forties, do you still want to get married? (these phrases tell me) that there is no value in marriage without children.Dr Pascal Rizk
Dr Rizk shares that even at her doctoral graduation, her family was raising a toast for her to find a husband.
'The Bride of Amman'
In his novel "The Bride of Amman", Jordanian writer, novelist and activist in the field of individual freedoms, Fadi Zaghamout, invited the reader to meet three female characters who were facing the Jordanian societal pressure to marry.
Jordanian writer and blogger Fadi Zaghmout, the author of “The Bride of Amman”, which was translated into English by Ruth Kemp.
Society is afraid of women's sexuality, thus they are pushed to marry at an early age for fear of having an extramarital relationship.Fadi Zaghmout
Although social roles began to change with women's proactive involvement in work and their productive financial contribution to their families, he says he believes that old social norms still exerted a stronger influence.
Therefore, he boldly calls on Arab women to rise up and liberate themselves from societal constraints that limit their roles to marriage at an early age.
'Be honest with yourself'
Dr Samir Ibrahim, a fellow of the Royal Australian College of Psychiatrists with more than 40 years' experience in the field of psychiatry, explains that Arab society escapes from its isolation by making marriage the ultimate goal for women, as depicted by the term “emotionally barren” in Arabic that addresses women only.
Dr Ibrahim said: "Marriage has more than one dimension, but, most importantly, it offers companionship in every aspect of life.”
He stresses the importance of being honest with oneself, and avoiding involuntary submission to society in a pursuit of conformity.
"The crisis lies in caring about the opinion of others. Does a woman seek to please society or herself?" he said.
How many women have married only to satisfy society while they are miserable, and on the contrary, psychological fullness may be achieved outside marriage?Dr Samir Ibrahim
Dr Samir Ibrahim is a fellow of the Royal Australian College of Psychiatrists with over 40 years' experience in the field of psychiatry.
"Self-confidence is what frees women from involuntarily submitting to society," he said.
My value lies within me, whether married or unmarried, even if this does not make society happy.Dr Samir Ibrahim
He distinguishes between finding a partner and finding the right partner.
"Is the partner compatible on various levels? Choosing the right partner is essential. How many people got married (just) to please their families and lived miserably?" he asked.
"Rejoice in accepting the right partner when found, and rejoice in your life even when you don't find the right partner. Self-confidence is key."
*not her real name
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