Key Points
- Marc Mendoza struggled with mental health and drug use.
- He says 'risky behaviour' may have led to him contracting HIV.
- He now volunteers to help others dealing with the diagnosis.
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Positive Episode 4: Marc
SBS Filipino
14/02/202413:55
"I'm a sex-positive kind of person; but I could have been a lot more responsible. I hate condoms and I didn’t use . My life was chaotic," Melbourne-based nurse, Marc Mendoza, said.
He admitted that while he had known the health risks of unprotected sex, discomfort with his sexuality and an open relationship, as well as a drug addiction led him to living life "dangerously".
Expectations of the eldest child
Mendoza shared that while his parents were open-minded, high expectations were placed on him being the eldest of four.
"[High expectations] did play into my journey of coming out as gay. I've always tried to be responsible and independent," he said.
He officially came out to his parents when he was 19.
Flip phones were popular then. I had a kissing photo of me and my ex on my phone and my dad saw it.Marc Mendoza
"Yeah, my coming out started from there. It wasn't easy. It hit them emotionally and we had to navigate through that. I was very respectful of what my family felt during that time," he said.
Melbourne-based nurse Marc Mendoza said coming out as gay to his parents had been difficult. Credit: Marc Mendoza
Risky behaviours
Fast forward 12 years after coming out, Mendoza said he had begun a romantic relationship with another man which proved to be life-changing.
"That relationship lasted for 12 or 14 years, depending which one of us you ask. Unfortunately, towards the end of that relationship, I went through a lot of health and mental issues, including substance abuse," he said.
Mendoza admitted that at that time, he was going through issues with his sexuality and questioning what commitment meant for him.
I think I had underlying feelings about myself and about who I thought I was [as someone gay].Marc Mendoza
"I didn't know how to feel about being in an open relationship, but I did value all the relationships I'd had," he said.
"I would ask myself, 'How could I be happy? How can I have sex with x amount of people?' I know it's normal [to have sex with whoever you choose to] - no matter how you identify - but I didn't know how to deal with the thoughts and feelings I had."
He said he turned to using crystal methamphetamine (ice) to numb himself.
Drugs cloud your judgement and inhibitions are lowered. I think that contributed to a lot of my risky behaviours, which included my sex life.Marc Mendoza
"I just forgot about everything around me. Things went downhill very quickly," Mendoza said.
'I blocked it out'
Mendoza shared that he received his diagnosis after he and his partner ended their relationship.
"We went to the , which is the only sexual clinic funded by the government here in Victoria," he said.
"A really lovely doctor sat us down and told me that I was HIV-positive. At that point, I think I just blocked it all out."
Things just went quiet. I knew my ex and the doctor were speaking, but I couldn't hear them speak.Marc Mendoza
After managing to get himself together, Mendoza immediately concerned himself with what needed to be done.
"I thought, 'Well, this is what happened. I've done what I've done. Let's keep moving forward now'," he said.
"I work in healthcare and telling someone a diagnosis, whether it's cancer or diabetes ... you immediately have a plan towards an outcome you want to achieve. I looked at having HIV the same way.
Mendoza said while he was shaken by his diagnosis, he was determined to get to a stage where the virus was undetectable in his body. Credit: Marc Mendoza
I just wanted to know how I was going to get to the point that the virus would be undetectable in my body.Marc Mendoza
Relationships and daily living
Mendoza admitted that he didn't realise how much his diagnosis would affect the way he lived his life and how he would handle his relationships.
"It's the little things," he said.
I didn't even think of it until I saw comments and posts on Facebook about travelling with medication or what it would be like to travel with HIV.Marc Mendoza
He also admitted that he was unsure how his romantic relationships would progress because of his status.
"At that time, I was trying to work things out with my ex, but I didn't know how my status was going to impact him, or anyone else that I would engage with romantically or sexually," Mendoza said.
Marc with his mum, Mayette Credit: Marc Mendoza
In my head, I was like 'Oh my God! Another thing to disappoint my parents about'.Marc Mendoza
"I've never sat down with my dad and told him about my diagnosis, but he knows. My mum took care of that only because I was already going through a lot," he said.
"My family knows. It's not something that we constantly talk about, but they know I'm living (with) and managing my condition."
Community support
Mendoza shared that he'd never talked about substance abuse and his diagnosis in the same breath.
"Substance abuse can contribute to risky behaviours. It can lead to things like this, but having one doesn't necessarily lead to the other. I don't want people to think there's a connection between the two. This is just my personal journey," he said.
"There was a point in my life in the last five years when I was able to sit with myself and really think. It was like I was on repeat with my risky behaviours. I was physically alive but I wasn't actually living."
Mendoza admitted that it wasn't easy moving away from his previous path, but that changing his head space helped him find better footing.
"It took me around four or five years to get to a place of sobriety. Now both my diagnosis and history with substances allow me to relate with others who have a similar story," he said.
Not only has Mendoza enjoyed the kindness of his community, he now volunteers to support others as well.
"I now volunteer with Thorne Harbour Health and I'm able to let other people know that they're not alone," he said.
Marc Mendoza said volunteering helped him to feel connected to his community and to himself. Credit: Marc Mendoza
"Connecting with my community allows me to feel connected to life again, to myself again."
