We've all had bad luck but usually when bad luck happens, we don't think it will happen twice.
First, it happened to my dad. At 75 years of age, we learned he had lung cancer. His body had only just recovered from a stroke four years earlier. The chemotherapy treatments he received began to impact his immune system. In the 12 months that followed his cancer diagnosis, he was hospitalised 11 times for acute pneumonia.
Six months later, my mum Helene, who was 55, was affected by a rare disease called herpes simplex encephalitis. It started with headaches, then speech abnormalities and then she went into a coma. When she awoke, Mum had suffered severe damage to her cognitive abilities and lost the ability to talk, walk, eat and had also lost her memory.
I was 26 years old and had started a new life in Australia. I was not expecting to become a primary carer for both my parents who were back in Canada.
As an only child, I had to learn a lot, quickly, and take on so much responsibility.
I moved back indefinitely to my hometown of Saint-Sauveur-des-Monts in Quebec, while my now wife, Jenna, stayed in Sydney. I had to explain to my employer the situation with my parents and negotiate longer than expected leave.
My mum managed my parents finances along with everything else in their lives. She knew everything about their assets, expenses and income. Since she couldn't remember any of this, I spent days frantically searching their files for this information. I wasn't across any of it. I was very stressed and scared.
As an only child, Mathieu, was the only one able to care for his parents. Source: Supplied
I became even more scared when I learned they did not have an income that could sustainably support the sudden increase in medical and living expenses. The stress persisted for months while I applied for government subsidies, worked out a new financial budget and applied for Power of Attorney.
While the above administrative nightmare unfolded, I also had to manage my mother's severe mental illness, which had developed in those first months of her recovery at home.
She was always trying to escape from the house as she thought 'home' was the hospital so she would run out in the freezing cold. I had to run after her several times, and physically carry her back in the house. One day, I found her trapped in the snow, with only a t-shirt and pants.
My dad had different problems. Physically he was weak but his pride was extremely strong and so was his addiction to the painkiller Oxycodone. There were days my dad took too much medication, he would sit in his chair all day, pale as a ghost, sleeping and keeping to himself.
He would regularly take more medication than recommended, even after we had long conversations about the severity of the situation. He would hide his Oxycodone and pretend he had run out so he could get more. And it worked! He found many ways of getting around me and the doctors to get his medication.
As a primary carer, I also had to juggle preparing daily meals, cleaning, and continuing to work full time, while keeping an eye on my mum so she couldn’t escape. I had to have eyes everywhere.
The days were long and hard work. We didn't have many visitors from fear of judgement. We didn't go out because it was too difficult. The lack of social interactions and the fatigue started to have an impact on my mental health.
After careful consideration, we decided to move my parents from Canada to Australia. Firstly, the winters in Canada can be harsh and we had already experienced the impact of winters on their health. Secondly, Jenna and I could more easily support them with our existing careers and the support from her family.
Mathieu Bertrand pictured with his parents who spent some time in Australia. Source: Supplied
The move from Canada to Australia in-itself was another intense project. All up, it cost almost $30,000 to get them here with the cost of the removals company, the flights, their application for an Aged-Parent Visa, and finding them a place to stay in Australia.
To be able to financially support them I worked three jobs and had to move back in with my in-laws. But one of the biggest challenges for me was being the only social outlet for my parents who didn’t know anyone else in Australia. They would often go out of their apartment, and get lost. I’d have to drop everything at work to go find them. Despite these challenges, we did have a spectacular year together.
Sadly, my dad passed away 12 months after their relocation and only one month before my wedding. I really wanted him there. He will be deeply missed.
Two months after his passing, I received a call from the Australian government. Since he was the primary applicant on their Aged-Parent visa, my mum was no longer able to stay in Australia. She had to either return to Canada or apply for a different visa, the latter option would have cost me an additional $40,000.
Despite the sad news, we found consolation in the fact that she would be reunited with her friends and family in Canada. Since then, she has made a remarkable recovery and continues to improve and surprise me with what she learns. She now lives in her own apartment independently but I continue to manage her care needs remotely from Sydney.
I now have a beautiful baby boy and am experiencing the whole new world of caring for a baby.
I learned so much from the experience of caring for my parents and I have now devoted my life to helping families like ours who experience isolation and loneliness that comes from being a primary carer.
The experience inspired me to start the organisation, to help primary carers like myself, find trusted locals in their community to help provide much needed social care and respite.
My goal is to also remind primary carers that you are not alone. If you are feeling isolated or alone as a primary carer, make sure to find people or support groups you can talk to. Your mental health is essential to support your loved ones.
