I have narcissistic personality disorder. I see it as a gift

After Lee's wife screamed that he was a "narcissist" during an argument, he looked up the word. The discovery has given him answers about himself and allowed him to understand empathy.

Lee says he may not understand how people are feeling, but therapy has helped him understand why they may be feeling a certain way. Source: Supplied

Insight explores a range of views on how empathy can impact daily life. 'The Empathy Trap' on Tuesday, May 16, from 8:30pm on SBS or SBS On Demand.

I have been diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) and I am perfectly fine with it.

Did that just blow your mind? How does someone know that they have NPD, live with it and be ok with it?

Well, to me, it isn’t the end of the world.

It has actually been good for me and brought me a little bit of peace, because it helps me understand why I have been feeling different my entire life.

It has helped me understand why, when I was eight years old, a little boy fell and broke his wrist during recess and I got angry instead of feeling empathetic to his plight.

It has helped me understand why my other emotions never clicked like everyone else’s, and why when I got angry, there was nothing that could stop me other than myself.

Understanding how my mind works has helped me feel like less of an alien and more “human”.

Lee Hammock says understanding how his mind works has helped him feel more “human”. Source: Supplied

Rock bottom

I have been in intense psychotherapy since October 2017 and the only way I got there was rock bottom. Rock bottom emotionally, financially, mentally and physically.

At 31, nothing in my life was going the way it was supposed to and I was blaming everyone other than myself.

One fateful night it all came to a head and I found myself screaming at my six-month-old son because he wouldn’t stop crying and it was apparently his fault that I was not achieving my goals and dreams.

Understanding how my mind works has helped me feel like less of an alien and more “human”.

Lee Hammock

As fate would have it, my wife came home from the gym at that moment and instead of yelling at my son, I turned to her, telling her she was a hindrance in my life and replaceable at any moment.

She decided to leave that night but not before screaming at me and calling me a narcissist.

In 2017, the word didn’t carry the weight it does now and I thought it meant “cocky” or overconfident.

After she left, I looked up the word. Google led me down the path of discovering what narcissistic personality disorder was and along with it, the answers as to why I have always been different to others.

'Tough being a parent'

Google told me that therapy was the only way, so a few months later I sought out a therapist. A diagnosis followed soon after and I finally had a definitive answer as to who and what I was.

One of the characteristics of having NPD is a lack of empathy, which makes it nearly impossible for me to put myself in the shoes of other people and “feel” the way they feel.

My biggest challenge day in, day out is fighting my narcissistic tendencies and thoughts.

Lee Hammock

But through therapy I have learned to develop more “cognitive” empathy, so while I may not understand how people are feeling, I understand why they are feeling that way.

The inherent lack of empathy has made it tough being a parent of three kids (aged 14, six and two years old). My kids cry in front of me and it sucks sometimes not feeling those feelings they feel, but I understand why they feel that way and I comfort them and raise them to the best of my efforts.

Lee used to see his NPD as a curse but now he sees it as a gift. Source: Supplied

My wife, who later returned after our argument, and our kids love me and they see the efforts that I am putting in to be better for them. I’m not perfect but I try so hard to give the love and affection that they deserve.

My biggest challenge day in, day out is fighting my narcissistic tendencies and thoughts because even with therapy, they don’t go away. I have to slow myself down and try to listen more intently, with the goal of responding to people as opposed to reacting to them in anger because I may have misinterpreted something that they have said.

Over the years, my perception of living with NPD has changed. I used to think of it as a curse but now I see it as more of a gift — if not I get depressed because it doesn’t go away.

NPD is something that I have, but it is not who I am. Through hard work and support I have taken something that is viewed so negatively and, by creating content online, I have helped tens of thousands of people.

I used to hate having NPD, but now I wouldn’t change it for the world … because I can’t.