I stopped judging my son for using heroin and supported him instead

When Debbie discovered her son was using heroin, she was deeply shocked and wanted him in rehab immediately. She has since learnt that when she stopped judging him and instead focused on maintaining her relationship with him, things improved.

When Debbie discovered her son was using heroin, she was deeply shocked and wanted him in rehab immediately.

Key Points

• When Debbie discovered her son was using heroin, she was deeply shocked and wanted him in rehab immediately.
• She has since learnt that when she stopped judging, things improved.

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My son was 18, living a balanced life, working full-time in his chosen career, with a lovely group of friends and very involved with the family. One New Year’s Eve, he went to a party where there were drugs available. Unbeknown to me, he smoked heroin with some others and enjoyed the experience.

Over the next six months, he used heroin more often, and life for him spiralled out of control. I discovered his drug use when I was putting the washing away in all the kids' rooms. I put some in his room and noticed the plaster in the ceiling was a bit broken. So I got a chair to work out how to fix it, and put my hand up into the ceiling and found some syringes and a dispenser for used needles.

I panicked and immediately tried to get him to stop. I lost sleep and became anxious as he lost his job. He became very secretive and was injecting regularly and crime became a factor. Our household became chaotic and there were many arguments. Different services were telling me to kick him out, they said he had to hit rock bottom and it was up to him to get help.

My health was affected, and l had to find help for myself. I started to educate myself around addiction, and what l started to realise was that my support could help rather than be a hindrance. I had to step back and see it as a medical problem, not a behaviour problem and I began to focus on harm minimisation and maintaining my relationship with him rather than trying to fix the problem.

My son used heroin for seven years before he decided to stop. When I asked him what helped him, he talked about how helpful l was once l stopped nagging and trying to get him to go to rehab. It was when l stopped focusing on the heroin use and connected with him without judging him. He said that this helped with his self-worth and gave him room to work out what to do. I learnt about harm minimisation such as using clean needles and realised the drug use was just one small part of him.

Debbie and her son, Chris.

I have another son who has been using crystal methamphetamine [ice] in large amounts for the past 10 years. His drug use has affected his health, career, friendships and independence. It has been difficult watching the change in him. What I learned from my other son is that he will work out his life and find balance in his own time. Meanwhile, I stay connected in a loving relationship, involve him where possible in family events, listen to him, refrain from advice giving and continue to keep my life balanced.

I have become a more supportive parent, able to understand how to handle challenges, set and keep my personal boundaries and I found services that are available for me. Connecting with people in similar situations and advocating for changing the stigma around addiction has been invaluable.

I also direct a company set up by myself and two other mothers that helps support family and friends who support people with problematic drug and or alcohol use.