Like a Vesuvius-sized pimple covered by a fringe, male body image is real, painful and often just hidden from view. As someone who was bald well before it was cool, and barely after I left high school, I was made very aware that while the beauty bar may not have been as high for males when it comes to body ideals, there are certain things that are deemed unacceptable. Hair loss was a big one, as was a diminutive stature or any hint of androgyny. The ideal body image for men may be very different from women, but it is often no less rigid or socially policed.
Fast forward a few decades and I have two young men on the brink of adulthood, and I worry about the pressure they may be facing. Talking to my eldest, some of the body image expectations may be slightly different to women’s (“We are expected to be strong, athletic and fast”) – but also strikingly familiar (“But you can’t be too fat, too tall or, worst of all, too short.”) The pressure for young men is generally the reverse of that for the opposite sex: they are told to bulk up, to have shoulders, to look ‘manly’.
And they cop it from both sides. My son says that in high school he is just as likely to be hassled about this looks by girls as he is by boys, though the male attacks can be more insidious. Just as Trump excused his misogyny as “locker room banter” it can be hard for boys to call out their peers when the meanness is masked as just joking around. At school, the one thing worse than looking different is being seen as “too thin-skinned to take some heat about it”.
My son says that in high school, he is just as likely to be hassled about this looks by girls as he is by boys, though the male attacks can be more insidious
The relentless release of super hero films with perfectly chiselled leads don’t help. From Hugh Jackman’s jacked Wolverine to Chris Hemsworth’s thunderously pumped Thor, boys are being given the same barely attainable role models that fashion magazines have been pushing onto young girls for years.
Throw social media into the mix, the rise of male cosmetics and full-page ads offering short men shoes that will give them an extra inch in height, and the current noise surrounding male body image is growing ever more shrill.
I am fortunate to have a couple of kids with pretty healthy views on how they look. But one is growing like bamboo and the other is simply of average height and I often hear the elder chiding the younger on the difference in their stature. When I called him on it he tells me he is not always happy he is that tall, as he is reaching the point where his head is beginning to be seen above the parapet of male body image - and he is attracting jibes about how tall he is. So I remind him that with insults, the best thing we can do is to not pay it forward. It hits a nerve and he tells me that, unlike the mean girls of US teen comedies, many of the most vocal bullies in the area of male body image are hardly Adonises themselves. Like any form of bullying and bravado, it is often those who are teased that seek to find themselves a victim further down the pecking order.
We are expected to be aloof and above such talk and yet the barbs still sting
Discussing body image between males can be tricky. We are expected to be aloof and above such talk and yet the barbs still sting. Like a lot of father-son discussions, I find it works best when you are engaged in other activities - like when I wondered to my youngest why there are very few Fortnite avatars that do not look like they are ripped from the pages of a Marvel comic - and see where that leads.
When it comes to good food choices I teach them everything in moderation - even moderation itself. Treats are fine as long as you do some exercise. We talk about the impossible raw-eggs-at-5am routines that lead to super hero bods and teach them to be respectful of other people’s physiques and food choices.
We are not doing anything record-breaking but we are keeping the lines of communication open. Generally they tell me that they are able to shake it off, to spot the peers who are punching down and have enough confidence in how they feel about themselves. But then one of those mountainous pimples appears on a forehead, the fringe is swept ever lower and I worry that they might not be as super-strong as they are claiming to be.
