My ADHD first became apparent at around five, when I started school in New Zealand.
I could never wait my turn, I couldn’t sit still, and I would constantly bite my nails. I was forever fidgeting and squirming. It was like I was driven by a motor.
I remember one day I mixed up all the paints and really got told off - all these beautiful colours turned into a brown mess.
I didn’t want to go to school - I just couldn’t concentrate. It was obvious to me and my teachers that something was wrong, but less so my parents. They thought any extra energy could be put into sport. I was certainly good at sport, but it didn’t help with the problem. If anything it made me more hyper. I couldn’t wind down afterwards and found it hard to sleep.
At that time my mum didn’t believe in medications. But at seven I was taken to a paediatrician for a different reason and they diagnosed me with ADHD. I was given a medication that really worked for me. It filled in what felt like black holes in my concentration. I could focus at times, but there were always blindspots and the medication eradicated those. With medication, I could sit still, connect with people, be present, do my work and focus.
I could even focus on things that were boring and repetitive.
With medication, I could sit still, connect with people, be present, do my work and focus.
When I wasn’t on the medication for any reason, then things changed. There were even random and dangerous events that occurred as a result of my impulsive thoughts and behaviours. I remember one time when I was 12 and my sister was six, we got on a surfboard at the beach and paddled out. I thought it was a great idea to head out as far as we could. I don’t know why that seemed a good idea, but I was unmedicated at the time. The waves started getting bigger and we fell off the surfboard. My sister couldn’t swim and was clinging on to me and pulling me under. A man came out of nowhere and pulled us both to shore. Otherwise we would have drowned for sure.
I always did well at school, but my behaviour was still bad in patches. Longer acting drugs weren’t available back then; the drugs were more instant acting, but they wore off after a few hours.. When it came to grades, I was all A’s and B’s academically, but for behaviour it was Es.
I also didn’t take medication after 3pm because of its effect on my sleep. So in the evening I could be anxious and slightly depressed. I got through school, qualified for university and I represented New Zealand at figure skating and soccer before I was 18. So I was achieving things.
When I went to uni I moved to a bigger city and saw a psychiatrist instead of a paediatrician, and he prescribed a medication that helped me to focus even more. I did a Bachelor of Commerce degree, with a double major in Law and Accounting. I dropped Law after the first year to just do accounting, but I was also working two jobs at the same time. I worked a night shift processing banking documents, a day job in accounting, and I was studying.
When my ADHD is unmedicated, I become physically and emotionally intrusive. I’m always finishing sentences and interrupting. I’m in your face, repeating stuff, and talking incessantly about nonsense. I’m laughing about stuff that isn’t funny. I’m not very mindful or aware; not connected.
When my ADHD is unmedicated, I become physically and emotionally intrusive.
I’m sure it was annoying for the people around me, but I had good friends and relationships. Luckily they loved me for who I was and not how I behaved at times. In some ways, when I became erratic at night they could see that I could actually be vulnerable. This high achiever in sport and academia, started to struggle with life and it made me seem more likeable in some ways, I think.
I started work after uni as an accountant and my career progressed. I worked in equities doing trades for a big bank. Doing the accounting for that you have to be focused - it’s all about accuracy and detail.
I was medicated and under control. When my career brought me to Sydney and a doctor said I would just grow out of ADHD as an adult - it was then thought of as a childhood disorder. That was the old theory.
So in 2001 I stopped taking medication. I was off the medication for six months or so. It wasn’t always terrible but it wasn’t great. My work became a bit sloppy. But I was 22 and so my hyperactivity was considered cute in some ways. It probably wouldn’t be so cute at 40.
Then in 2002 I was introduced to methamphetamine at a party. In some ways it was like the drugs I’d been prescribed, but felt about 1000 times stronger. It was also an illegal street drug, but I started smoking it. I guess I became addicted.
I was performing at work, but was making bad personal decisions. Meth takes your empathy. You stop caring. I somehow functioned, but I wasn’t always a nice person. I was spending a lot of money on it and it made me brilliant on the trading floor as I was able to concentrate all the time.
It’s really not just a label for naughty kids.
But I didn’t sleep and I didn’t eat. I didn’t care. It took away all my feelings. I felt invincible. Nothing mattered to me. In 2008 I needed to take myself back to a psychiatrist and they made me realise I’d been self-medicating, and that you don’t grow out of AHDH. They got me back on the right medication. I became a lot better and took it three times a day.
I started working for a new bank, I was focussed again and in a better place. More balanced and more caring. But occasionally I took too many of my prescribed pills to get stuff done when I was feeling tired. Possibly it was a hangover from using meth and needing to simply feel more.
By 2015 life felt unmanageable again because I was essentially abusing my prescribed medication; and I was experiencing more highs and lows because of that. So I decided to seek help and went to rehab.
The truth is that my ADHD needs to be medicated, but it also needs to be carefully overseen by a doctor, partner or parent. At rehab I was introduced to a 12-step program that I could apply to my disorder and my life, and that has really helped. I have a way of living which has helped with every area of my life.
I also saw a really good psychiatrist in the field of ADHD. I get an exact amount of pills to last me, so I can’t abuse them. I have a way of living which incorporates 12-step principles in my life. The 12-steps give me a program that makes my life manageable, so I can lead a decent life and help others.
I’m 40 and life is good as long as I take the right medication and live life in a certain way. But ADHD is still with me in my 40s, and I still have the underlying symptoms that are never far from the surface.
It’s really not just a label for naughty kids.
As told to Rob Pegley.
